trying to neutralize the smell of the fish tacos my husband cooked the night before. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Birdy Botanicals Nest Room Perfume with Orange, Clove and Cedar and exactly at that moment heard loud grunting and gnashing of teeth and the arhythmic, thumping cadence of someone (or some thing) climbing my back stairs, all announced by the acrid marriage of rotting meat, mildewed laundry and a hint of spearmint. What can I say—I develop beauty products.
Then it appeared.
A foul, malignant visage, trembling and screeching, with a face that looked like it had been removed, pulsed a few times in a Cuisinart and re-applied with a spatula.
Eeew. And it was at my back door and obviously was not a Jehovah’s Witness…
…at least any longer.
The essential oils repelled the rotting corpse, leaving freshness behind
The only weapon I had at my disposal was a Bialetti 2-cup espresso maker at arm’s length on the stove and the Nest Room Perfume spray bottle I still clutched in my right hand. Knowing I still might want a second Americano before beginning my day in earnest, I opted to use the Nest spray. I threw the door open and in one seamless action reflexively spritzed a generous cloud of Nest in what was formerly his face. Fully expecting to be devoured in the next moments, I prepared for my impending doom by closing my eyes and assuming a fetal position on my kitchen floor. The eery silence was accompanied by the lingering aroma of Clove, Orange and Cedar. Reminiscent of a fall morning in Vermont after a gentle rain—with zombies.
When I opened my eyes a few seconds later, the unwelcome pestilent visitor had vanished. I peered out the window in time to catch a glimpse of it heading into an alley rubbing it’s one, working eye and screaming like a 3rd grade girl.
Who knew we’d be using natural products to solve supernatural problems
That’s when I realized—this product I created to inject a little autumn ambience into the rooms of slightly hip, 20-55 year-old females in the mid-to-upper demographic, could do double duty as a zombie repellant—and Zom-B-Gone was born.
A Birdy post-apocalyptic original, the spicy aromas of Birdy’s Zom-B-Gone are reminiscent of cool, crisp October mornings before the global plague or your Mom’s kitchen before she became one of the legions of walking dead. Zom-B-Gone will clear the air, might save your ass but will definitely leave you humming a happy tune. Because you’re alive.
Now it can be yours for only $12 a bottle. We calculate that one bottle will successfully repel anywhere from 1,500-2,000 walking dead, depending on size, degree of putrification, prevailing winds and aim.
As I was describing to my husband how I thwarted the zombie in my kitchen, I got caught up in the moment and accidentally squirted the poor man in the face with Zom-B-Gone. The good news is now I can say it’s been tested on humans, the bad news is…well just don’t use it on humans. Trust me on this one. The ingredients are all natural but the reaction you get will sound anything but. Also, keep out of reach of children, living or undead.